Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is