age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
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That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it