@IamEnidColeslaw “YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
@squirrel74wkgn (Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
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@IamEnidColeslaw 
@gingerbrigade1 Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
@kimtopher22 “I found my charger!!”
– a love story
@daveshumka I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
@HatfieldAnne Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
@online_shawn I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
@BGH70 Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
@aka_fatman “…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
@GrantTanaka When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
@TheAlexP She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.