@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

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@gingerbrigade1

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

@daveshumka

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

@HatfieldAnne

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

@online_shawn

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

@BGH70

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

@aka_fatman

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

@GrantTanaka

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

@TheAlexP

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.