(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.


I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.


Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.


I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks


Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.


“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]



When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.


She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.