(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
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There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!