Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
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cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
a lot to unpack here
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 馃檭
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
If you didn鈥檛 want to marry me then why鈥檇 you show up with ice cream?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
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