Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
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me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Baller is short for ballerina
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets