Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Meat Cute

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes