Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
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I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Oops I deleted….
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk