“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
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I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.