Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
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Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
lost dog
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.