Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
#oldknees
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl