Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
You Might Also Like
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
tell em, edith-anne
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away