“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
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Monday
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
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