Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I forgot how to panic. Help
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.