Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
You Might Also Like
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
how to have an accident 101
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.