Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom