* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..