*aggressively skips to my Lou*
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Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees