*aggressively waits in line*
You Might Also Like
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare