Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly