*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
You Might Also Like
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.