@LaceyNycole Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
@ristolable *agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
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@LaceyNycole 
@truegritrumble All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
@CynicalTherapi1 Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
@withanewname Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
@whatsJo Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
@electrolemon game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
@SortaBad Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
@13spencer I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
@neiltyson Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
@kentgrossarth Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God