Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.