Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
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*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school