“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
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“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Saturday