ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up


DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say


Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.


[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?


If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend


Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”


If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college


ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns


Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?


My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.