ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
You Might Also Like
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I hate everything
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want