“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Many hands make light work
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped