ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
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Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Chicken bread
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
i will not be silenced
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials