Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
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My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
#StillHurts
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for