Ah to hear the music of the angles!
You Might Also Like
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”