AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
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I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”