ah yes….my favourite videogame
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.