ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
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It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
live long and prosper!
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun