Ah yes. The three genders
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9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads: