“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics