ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
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I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
✌️
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?