ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.


Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”


Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?


I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.


Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life


“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.


The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person


[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows


My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.