Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy


ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm


*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*


My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days


Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”


Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.


My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.


Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!


Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.