Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.