Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.