Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
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(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.