Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
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[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Stop.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.