Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.