Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

this chia pet tastes awful

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.