“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
You Might Also Like
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.