Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.