Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Sorry not sorry.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.