Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in