Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

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GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat



Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket


“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”


I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.


[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body


[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it


Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!


My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.


God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in