ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
my mind
You just read my mind
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
The devil.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
What a year we’ve had this week.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Candles never taste the way they smell
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
translated into Canadian
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes