Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
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Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
They also CAN sing✌️
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I feel seen.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.