Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
You Might Also Like
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
can’t catch a break
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.