air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Is….Is this an option?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.