*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Breaking news:
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
IT’S-A ME,
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.