Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
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me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I need to update my racial profile.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.